Just for fun.

Just for fun I decided to go back to some of my entries from 2005. WHO THE HELL was that girl writing in my journal. She is the description of every twenty something that gets under my skin. I am very proud to say I have grown a backbone, and hoped for more in my life than just the 'happily ever after' ending. Life goes on after getting married. I cannot believe I was who I was then. Okay, I can because with age comes perspective. I know this is the past, but that was almost seven years ago. Can someone really grow THAT much?! It seems so.

So, I think I will delete this livejournal. It is no longer a representation of who I am, and what I want out of life. ALSO, I am slightly embarrassed at how stupid and naive I was then....

I would say I would want to keep it in order to remember my youth, but I have far too many journals from that time period littered all over my office, and the longer I read over the, the more exasperated I become. So, "The Queen is Dead! Long live the Queen!"

I will keep this journal up for a few weeks, post about my new livejournal account, and be done with my past, which no longer suits me.

If there is anyone left on here who wishes to continue to hear my rants and so on, please add my new page once I post the new name ( which I have YET to come up with).

The goings, well, going.

I'm kind of in an emotional Limbo right now. As usual, I am not sure how to accurately explain it. Dad's ashes are coming home today. This means my brain has to wrap around the idea that my father body is now in a tiny heart shaped box. The physics in my head keep saying "That's impossible. His body mass exceeds that of a simple little box." It just wont let me realize it is his ashes. I don't know why. Most likely it is a defence mechanism. No, that sound just right.

It does feel good to work again. It is great to be wanted enough to have someone pay for my time. I am also very thankful for my boss. I am so very loyal to her. She is the best boss I have ever had, and there are some bosses where that would seem to be near impossible. She however is Mary Roth. Google her, and learn from her. Her heart is in the right place, and never steps on her employee's toes. She cares about them and their families, and knows she is making a difference in the world. She refuses to let anyone work for her unpaid. My husband came in with me one day to the office, and he set up her new computer for her since she had not done it yet. It took him one hour, and she did not let him leave the office without getting paid. She is such a sincere person, and I am lucky to work for her. This makes me work 10 times harder. Smart woman.

But back to Dad, His memorial is now officially set for the 29th. I don't know how I feel about this. If it were up to me, I would never have it, only because I then would never have to come face to face with the pain that is hiding inside of me, waiting to spring forth. I don't want to deal with the pain just yet- but if I don't that will make the situation far worse. How can I say goodbye to my father? After 28 years, I don't know how to say goodbye to him.

I know on his deathbed I told him it was okay to leave, but was I telling him that to make the process easier for him or me? Him, obviously. I just wish my last words to him "It's okay Daddy, you can leave now." were REALLY what I meant to say to him. Of course I wanted to tell him to never leave and help me figure out live a little more...

You just can't win some days. Even though so many positive things are happening for me right now, I still feel I got the short end of the stick. People say in order to feel the positive, you have to feel the negative. In that case, there needs to be a whole lot more of the positive to 'cancel out' the negative of loosing my father.

An odd feeling durring the day, but valid nonetheless.

Since dad passed I have been flooded with emotion, good and bad. The bad was obvious, but I was not expecting the positive emotions that came through. For some reason I am feeling better about myself, who I am and what I am... I don't see why it took so long for this to come out... It was not like my father was a domineering man who hates everything about me. He was in fact the opposite. Is it that I am living the way he would want me to live without him?This is so new to me. I have never been fully secure in myself. For so many years I have been craving to have someone to share my life with... now that I have a husband I no longer craved to know myself or saw no reason in why I was in search of recognition.

Now, I feel a sense of purpose to my life that I should have had before, I don't know why now - but apparently I was not ready for it then. Is it possible that I have actually grown up? Oh dear me I hope not. Maybe tomorrow when I feel up to it.

It also seems that over night I am beginning to be recognized for my hard work. Not that I am leaps and bounds over everyone else, but for the last week I have been told every day by someone I don't know how amazing I am or the work that I do is do amazing. WTF? Where were these people a few years ago????

I don't know. IT has also been a long time since I had a "brain dump" like this, rambling on and on about stuff no one cares about. Go me. I feel like I am finally being me again - no sugar coating it for others, I am just myself RAW.

Don't get me wrong though - I am going through a very difficult period of mourning of the loss of my father. Yet at the same time I am reacting very oddly even for me. I expected to be in crying fits every ten minutes. Sometimes I do so inside of myself - but I never expected my resolve to live the life as my father would want me to with gusto. It's not that he wanted me to do anything specific, but that which I do MUST be done wholeheartedly.

I ama rock, I am an Island.


Well, it is now 1:30-ish on the 20th, but I decided to write in here for a second. [To those on my facebook- this is my live-journal feed].

I am blissfully happy this semester art wise, hell - even in Math. Great teachers, and a lot of self introspection. I have a lot to look forward to.

Adobe approved my student-ish-ship? and said I was worthy to have the student [cheap!] edition of CS5 [Photoshop], so I have have been doing that a lot. Also doing video editing. I will finish up moms video thing-ie tomorrow, and send it to her. err.. burn her a copy?

My Writers group is meeting on Monday and I have not even looked at my submition to re-read and edit... also a lot to read in school. Reading never stops, including all the other books in my que.

Sometimes I really wonder how I read so much, given my lack of time. Oftentimes I find myself sitting around watching Television, then yelling at myself, "What a looser! How do you plan on getting anything accomplished anyways? Sitting around being unproductive?!?!?!?". Then the other half of my brain says, " F*ck off. I'm on break."

Yes, that's me talking to myself. The most interesting part is, I am the third person in this conversation. Two versions of me are going at it, while I am trying to be the mediator. FUN.

It also just occured to me, that if someone did not know me, then read that last bunch... they would be almost certain I was crazy.

Maybe I just might be the lunatic your looking for.

Slight pause in the current of the flow of thoughts...

Feelings are most definatley taking precedence in my day to day... not sure how to feel most of the time. I do know that I am forgetting what stress feels like as each day passes on.

I feel like I am drowned at the bottom of a pool, not anxiety stricken, but complacent, watching the world ebb and flow, contract and distort. I am at peace with my lack of air, I alow the flow to move me as it will. I maintain my focus on one small thought or thing, and forget everything else.

I am at a loss at what to do once the panic of no oxygen begins.